The day had come. It would soon be over. Last day, and then we would be released. After spending so many days with people I didn’t know, it was interesting to finally get to talk to them. Listening to their experiences and their struggles, and what they had learned, was fascinating. People had such different experiences, but most seemed to be very happy that they did it.
The focus on the meditation fell drastically. Everyone seemed to think it was over. Even though we still had the entire day to meditate, following the same schedule, it just seemed like we were done, simply because we were allowed to speak. It was clear how big a difference it made having all the rules against, basically, everything, but meditation, when a simple thing like talking could be so distracting, from the experience of meditation.
I was exhausted, but happy it was almost over. It had been an extremely tough struggle, but it had also been very rewarding.
We did a different meditation for 10-15 minutes, where we just had to focus on positive things. While doing that it felt like I was spinning inside. The sensation was so strong that it made my upper body physically move. It wasn’t something I did, but because I was sitting relaxed the whirling energy inside me could move me from side to side while I focused on it.
It was early in the morning, we had meditated for a few hours before we were released. I was so happy it was over. I couldn’t wait to get out of that place and NOT meditate. I was so proud to have completed it. Yet I also felt I had opened up for something that needed more time to deal with. I didn’t know what it was. But all the agitation I had felt didn’t seem to be all gone. Some of it probably was, but it was hard to tell, because I didn’t know what it was about or where it came from. Yet I knew it was a positive thing that I had opened up for it, even though I had no idea how long it would take to deal with it. Because now it was possible to get it out of my system, eventually. I was going to an Ayurvedic retreat immediately after so perhaps that would be the perfect extension. I had 2 days to figure out how to get there. It was in the northern part of Kerala, and I was so excited to go there. It was the most expensive place I had decided to stay on my entire trip, so it would be a real luxurious, relaxing and healing experience.
Things I learned:
Besides the tons of things I learned about the philosophy behind the meditation form, the dharma and the Buddha teachings, of which I had either heard, read or experienced a good bit of beforehand, and besides all the sensations I had discovered, there were some other things I learned, which I had wanted to figure out. I learned that I was in fact in contact with myself, my body and intuition, which I sometimes doubted. I would sometimes doubt if some of the things I did was based on too much ego, and on a need to prove something. I didn’t want to do things because of the wrong reasons. I wanted to know if I was in fact following my heart. And after 10 days of meditation my thoughts about what I wanted to do hadn’t changed at all. I knew that the things I wanted to do, the ideas I got was indeed what was right for me, I didn’t need to question it or second guess it. My choices were from my heart and not from a mental construction of what I should do because of this and that. I learned that I could trust myself and my decisions. I had a wealth of new ideas I had gotten during the 10 days. I had had so many inspiring thoughts and there were so many things I wanted to do. Next step was to do them and stop questioning them.